Rain drops 

 Rain trickles down my skin leaving specks of icy kisses, while the wind murmers tunes of mother natures secrets. I dance like child leaving trails of hope, dreams and love, with every beat of  rain drops my spirit returns to its origin of happiness the care free spirit I was once before.

©asterikos.wordpress.com

My family are basically driving me crazy trying to set me up with potentail suitors. Bio data are flying in with pics through the letter box but not one of them stands out to me.

My family intention is good but its really annoying and some what embarrassing to me. My mum given me time to find some one of my own choice but as I am unsuccessful she pushing me towards arranged marriage.

I seen success in other couple I know who met their life partner through this method. Saying that they fall in love straight away after meeting etc. To me this seem like a sweet fairy tale but how can i be so sure that it will be like this for me.

Well all I can do is hope for the best and see what luck comes my way.

Love Mere Hit Hit – My LOVE is  HIT

O Jaana

Ishq Kamina

Evey morning I wake up and check my mobile. Just hoping you would ring back.

Why did you declare your love for me after few days of meeting. You kept saying you want me and you haven’t met anyone else that captured your heart. Oh why have you put me through whirlpool. You made me believe you, love you and want you.

You kept saying ‘Janu trust me …Allah is my witness I love you with my soul’. Every time you said I felt guilty because I didnt feel anything for you.

You told me let go of one I love and stop dreaming and face present reality. You have said You give me everything I want and need you promised that. Gradually I let go of the other guy and began to admire you.

Every day you would check on me to see if I am ok but now you disappeared with out a reason. Why did you propose to me and why in the hell did I agree. You said you will meet my parents but you never turned up. Where did you vanished too?

You lied you said you cant live without me but you are and you left me behind.

This is a personal account of why I am afraid to write.

For some time now I wanted to write but I am scared of transferring my ideas to actual paper. In my mind I have stories flooding in like there is no end to water. My imagination run wild I come up with ideas and cool plots. But when it comes to writing it down I come to sudden halt. I have fear what I write isn’t good and it would be most ridiculous piece of crap any one read.

These fears has been holding me back for long time. Earlier experience left me with pain. This is where it all stem from. I was a late speaker , I started to speak around the age of 3 but it was really basic. I can remember how hard I found to communicate with other people. Only my mother understood what I wanted and needed. Others would get frustrated and end up ignoring me. When I went to school  I fall behind. My communication was weak so social interaction was limited. Hence school work also suffered as I couldn’t read or write. I found it really hard at school to catch up with other pupils. As I couldn’t read well i was given books that were really childish with boring stories. Which I had no interest in reading.

Around summer 1994 I began to read like crazy with force with my own will. I wanted to read what other girls read at that age (teenage novels). My reading level increased by end of Summer but my writing skills wasnt great. It was really awful like always i stuggled with  expressing my thoughts into words. I stuggled with school work. Many  teacher remarks put  confidence down. By the timeI left school my grades improved dramtically I was proud of that. But writing part just was put a side I didnt want to do any academic subject instead I chose to further studies in Art.

But fate had other plans for me, due to unfortunate personal circumstances I had to leave college and start work. I supported students with theirs studies. Because I  had  problems at school my self  I could relate to them. I found ways to help them with their study skills. At first it was hard to because I was so close to their age they didnt  take me seriously but gradually they began to trust and respect me. Most of the pupils I support passed their exam with remarkable results.

I still find my self stepping back because I am afraid to write. But today I decided start (and keep) writing . It doesnt matter with what crap I come out with its better then nothing.

1) I’m totaly in love with my laptop – its one of my essentail, I totaly depend on it.

2) Even though I have turned 26 yrs I act like a 6 yrs old…lol

- I love candy floss, chocolate – chocolate – chocolate oh it make me crazy – desperately wana have some but I cant because I’m on a stupid Diet.

3) I totally obsessed with cartoon doesnt matter whether its old or new - I like them all

4) Treadmill is my soul enemy and my true best friend.

I hate it because it make me work out really hard. It one of those really cheap manual treadmill which is set in one level of incline so I am continusley working uphill. But I practically worship this machine becos i can loose any unwanted fat really quickly.

5) I love writing about random stuff that important to me  - spellings and grammer isnt my strong point though

6) I cant function with out music – most of the day I will either listen or hum to a song – music keep me going

7) I am totally hopesless romantic who like to believe in fairy tales

While I was checking my emails really early in the morning I received an invitation from an unknown msn id. Which read ‘I read your profile with interest and I would like to chat with you further’. So I accepted the invitation and I began to speak to this guy. 3 mins into the conversation he said ‘I think you are the most stupidest person I met… Your intellectual level well below average….’ This comment put my spirit down. I felt really sad.

I joined a site to meet singles muslim for marriage purposes and my search so far been really dreadful. He isn’t the first person who think I am stupid been said other things too like ‘weird, thick, back dated etc’.  After so many comments like I do now feel there must be something wrong with me. I totally lost hope now – I deleted my account as there is a limited chance that I find someone who like me for who I am.

I am able to express my thoughts more freely when I am typing away. So I chose to write a on line journal about random things.

If you happen to drop by my blog please leave a comment. I would really love to hear form other readers.